Chapter 4 Food
“Come on, then!” Joe beckoned. “That all you got?!”
“You cannot begin to fathom how much I have!”
Maggie endeavored to prove that her words were no mere boast by performing an elaborate sequence of button presses and lever movements upon the controller in her hands. The character on the screen responded to these prompts by performing a combination of high-and-low attacks. However, though certainly impressive, the assault was parried in its entirety by Joe’s perfectly-timed inputs, leaving his character completely unscathed. He then immediately launched a counter attack, which was counter-countered by Maggie, resulting in the final bit of damage she needed to win the round.
“Player Two wins!” the game announcer declared.
“Oh, come on!” Joe screamed at the screen. “How is that fair?!”
“You keep challenging me even though you know you are not worthy,” Maggie smugly stated. “It is endearing.”
“Rrgh! We’ll see about that! I’m about to turn this around and make you eat those words!”
Even though the score was two-nil in his opponent’s favor, this was a best of five match. Therefore, Joe certainly had a theoretical chance at winning. However, looking at how soundly he had been thrashed in those two rounds, his actual odds of claiming victory were pitiful. He refused to admit defeat until the bitter end, of course. He had been playing Road Warrior 7 at a competitive level for the past two months, so he could not allow this greenhorn who didn’t even exist until five days ago to get the better of him. His pride as a gamer, a man, and a human being were all on the line.
The third round started off much like the previous ones. Maggie went on the offensive, forcing Joe to defend himself while trying to find an opening. The girl definitely seemed to have the upper hand in terms of techniques and execution. Pressing a sequence of buttons with the right timing was pitifully easy, and her inhuman reaction times made it impossible for anything to surprise her. However, Joe had two things that she didn’t - experience and strategy.
He noticed that Maggie relied on the same two rapid combos because they were efficient. She also took every single counter opportunity she was presented with. In short, she was predictable. Furthermore, the girl was incapable of judging whether one of Joe’s moves was a feint and kept falling for every single one. These flaws provided just enough of an opening for Joe to fight back.
He weathered her combos, goaded her into parrying an attack that wasn’t coming, then struck before her character could recover. This happened over and over as he spent the next ninety seconds methodically grinding Maggie’s health bar down to nothing. It didn’t matter how good her reactions or timing were if she couldn’t do anything after whiffing a move. Admittedly she could have probably done her ‘magic touch’ thing and rewritten the game’s code, but that would be cheating. There was no way Maggie would violate the rules of a contest that she agreed to participate in of her own volition.
“Player One wins! PERFECT!”
Thus did the game’s announcer enthusiastically proclaim that Joe had triumphed without taking a single clean hit.
“Yeah, baby!” he cheered with a fist-pump. “How do you like me- Uh-oh.”
However, when he turned to look at Maggie, there was not a twinge of emotion on her face. Just pure, undiluted, inscrutable focus. The man quickly reigned in his enthusiasm and got his head in the game. It seemed clear that his opponent was done goofing around and was going to take him on with everything that she had. Which, considering what lay beneath that beautiful facade, was a terrifying prospect indeed.
“Player One wins! PERFECT!”
And yet not a single thing had changed. No matter how lightning-fast or unerringly accurate Maggie was, she was still limited by the medium through which she fought. That said, Joe’s ability to adapt to and overcome that monstrous mechanical skill was quite extraordinary in and of itself. There were many others that could pull the same thing off, of course. He was on a planet with seventeen billion unemployed people who had nothing better to do than goof off in virtual reality. Admittedly only a small portion of them spent their time in Road Warrior 7, but there were still eighty thousand people above Joe on the planetary ranking ladder. He was far from the best, but as he claimed the final round, he certainly felt like it.
“Phew!” he finally relaxed. “That was exhausting. You put up a barney of a fight for a total newbie.”
“I admit defeat,” Maggie sighed heavily. “This medium called video games holds a great many secrets still.”
“So. Wanna go again?”
The girl blinked rapidly for a few moments before answering.
“Curious. Though I am undoubtedly vexed by my loss, I find myself looking forward to a rematch with enthusiasm. What an odd emotional paradox.”
It seemed like a small thing, but it was the first time she had felt something like this, and that by itself was indescribably refreshing.
“That’s the magic of a well-designed video game,” Joe smiled. “You can lose horrendously and still have had fun.”
“I am beginning to comprehend why you are the way you are, Joe Mulligan.”
Indeed, much of the man’s odd behavior could be attributed to his upbringing. Between the state caring for all of his basic needs and the overwhelming amount of virtual media on offer, it was hardly a surprise that Joe’s sense of self-preservation was so underdeveloped. He had never faced any significant adversity, and as such was left incapable of recognizing it until it was too late. Or at least that was the theory Maggie had. She was by no means an expert on human psychology or behavioral patterns, but she wasn’t called ‘The Observer’ for nothing.
After Maggie lost the rematch, and the re-rematch, Joe decided to switch things up before her foul mood ripped a hole in the universe. He had a rather extensive library of games at his disposal, which contained titles from a myriad of genres. His sort-of-girlfriend was clearly appreciative of the wide variety of mechanics, stories, and art styles on offer. She tried all of them at least once. From the magnum opus that was Stealy Wheely Automobiley 6 to the absolute dumpster fire called Huff Huff’s Nut-and-Speggle Conundrum, each of them had something unique to offer. That last one especially brought a seemingly inconsequential topic to the forefront of Maggie’s consciousness.
“Are you familiar with this substance called Speggle, Joe?”
“Hm? Ah, that stuff? Used to love it as a kid, but I guess I grew out of it.”
“What does it consist of?”
“I think it had condensed fruit in it? Not entirely sure, but I can order some if you’d like.”
“I would indeed.”
“Alright, give me a minute.”
Joe stood from his favorite beanbag and walked over to the fridge. He swiftly and deftly operated the touch-screen display on it as he worked on ordering the condiment Maggie had taken a random interest in. Of course, he didn’t necessarily need to do all that. This being the virtual world, he could have just operated a few menus from his seat. However, the V-Life platform was more than just a means of entertainment.
While it had started off as such, countless people like Joe practically lived in it. It was the only feasible way any of them would experience what it was like to have a spacious home with actual furniture. That was why they filled their private digital residences with all kinds of crap they didn’t technically need, like redundant game consoles and pointless fridges. Little things like walking around, pushing buttons, and carrying dishes were considered mildly entertaining, so the denizens of the virtual world went out of their way to do them.
“Oh, wow. Hey, Maggie?” Joe shouted across the room. “Apparently Speggle comes in several flavors. You want nanner, peachsickle, honey-squared, or starberry?”
“Starberry sounds appealing,” she replied without looking away from the game screen.
The guy tapped the fridge display a few more times, causing a white tube with the words ‘Starberry Speggle’ in wacky pink lettering on it to appear in front of him.
“And would you like that on a sandwich or something?”
“This is permissible.”
“Also, don’t forget to dodge that boss’s curry beam extra hard. The animation doesn’t match the hitbox!”
“Your advice is unnecessary, but appreciated.”
She kept challenging the buggy game while Joe assembled the aforementioned sandwich. Admittedly calling it that was giving his creation too much credit. It was actually just a piece of toast with some unidentifiable pink paste spread across it and a few spoonfuls of baked beans on top. He made another one for himself because why not, put them on a plate each and walked back to Maggie’s side just in time to see the cartoon character she was controlling get turned into a bowl of curry.
“This is most displeasing,” she pouted, probably. “I am overcome with the desire to locate the humans responsible for this digital abomination and thoroughly educate them on the importance of quality assurance.”
“I know that feeling. As does half the galaxy. That game’s so notoriously bad it actually caused the company that made Speggle go bankrupt. The stuff’s impossible to find outside of V-Life.”
“It is an extinct flavor?”
“That’s a nice way of putting it, I suppose,” Joe shrugged as he took a bite of his sandwich. “Ugh. And good riddance, too. I forgot how cheap this stuff tasted.”
Maggie was mildly amused at how his apparent disapproval of the product did not stop him from chewing, swallowing, and then taking another bite. She then glanced down at her own portion, at which point she was struck with an odd realization.
“Joe. I wish to experience real food.”
“Yeah, I hear you. This is actual garbage. I’ll go order up a nice pot roast instead.”
“You misunderstand. I was referring to non-virtual sustenance.”
“Uh… okay?” he raised an eyebrow.
“Does my request confuse you?”
“A little. You know V-Life’s food simulation is 99.6% accurate to real life, right?”
“That 0.4% margin is immensely important to me, as are the facets the creators of this subreality had omitted from the act of eating.”
Indeed, the digital recreation of food was rather shallow in Maggie’s opinion. The texture, aroma, consistency, and taste were all there, and those were plenty for the human brain to be convinced it was eating the real thing. In the case of the girl-shaped cosmic entity, however, it wasn’t enough. She wanted to feel things like the chemicals in her saliva begin the digestive process, or the sensation of her body extracting miniscule amounts of energy from living matter.
“Sorry, Maggie, but I really can’t afford real world food at the moment,” Joe winced. “Spent most of this month’s allowance on that matchmaker’s cult, remember? I’m practically broke for another two weeks at least.”
“This is dire news, is it not?” she looked at him with something approaching worry.
“Hm? I mean, it’s not great, but I’m not gonna die of not having money.”
“Does your flesh not require the sustenance which you are incapable of purchasing?”
“Oh, it does. It’s just that, the pod handles that for me while I’m in here.”
“You did indeed mention this before, but I require elaboration. What does your pod feed you?”
“It’s called Noot-Goop. Sounds silly, I know, but it’s been my main diet for, well, my whole life, basically.”
Noot-Goop was a synthetic protein paste that contained all of the nutrition, vitamins, and moisture that the average human being needed to survive. Its main downside was that humanity could not agree on how to flavor it, so it was made as bland as scientifically possible. Not that it mattered since it was usually applied via a feeding tube while physical sensations were suppressed by VR pods.
“And you do not need to pay for this substance?” she inquired.
“Nope. It’s basically free.”
In reality, a steady supply of Noot-Goop was factored into the V-Life subscription fee, but Joe didn’t really consider that an expense since part of his allowance paid for it automatically.
“Also, how come you know about money but not food?” it was Joe’s turn to ask.
“It is inevitable that any sentient civilization will develop the concept of currency as a measure of the individual’s contributions to society. Conversely, not all sentients require nutrients as humans do.”
“Right, right. Well, unless you’re able to conjure us a few hundred poundingtons, I can’t really treat you to anything.”
“That is a simple matter.”
“… Wait, really?”
“I have observed that your currency is digital. In case you have failed to notice, I am exceedingly adept at manipulating such things.”
“Yeah, but like… isn’t that stealing?”
“By definition, theft is the unlawful acquisition of property. There is no property in this instance, Joe.”
“Huh. Never really thought about it, but my account balance is just a number on a server somewhere, isn’t it?”
“The truth of the matter is significantly more complex, but that is essentially correct.”
“Well, I’m convinced,” he shrugged. “Let’s not go overboard though, just two hundred will do for today.”
Maggie’s eyes flashed and flickered for a few seconds, signifying a burst of mental effort on her part.
“It is done.”
Joe checked his balance and saw that it was precisely two hundred poundingtons higher than it used to be.
“Nice. Well, let’s get going, then! About time I stretched my legs a bit anyway. My pod gets very angry when it detects muscle atrophy.”
The appropriate commands were invoked and Joe was back in his pod with Maggie leaning against him as was his new norm. The girl climbed out without delay, but the guy stayed behind so the pod could change his somewhat smelly clothes. Once clad in his preferred RetroStyle™ white T-shirt and jeans, he stepped out and did some stretches, making sure to give the picture of Mechalizabeth II a little wave in the process. Afterwards, he addressed a slight concern he had regarding his companion’s appearance.
“So, uh, Maggie. Any particular reason you’re still wearing that robe-dress?”
“I have not had cause to discontinue its use.”
“Well, could you do me a favor and change into something else?”
“This is permissible. Do you have something specific in mind?”
“Yes, actually.”
The red-and-gold fabric then twisted, spun, and darkened as it reshaped itself to what Joe thought would ‘look good.’ More specifically, it was a modest gothic-style dress. It was pitch black, with long sleeves and an ankle-length skirt that showed off her somewhat heavy leather boots. It showed off very little of Maggie’s smooth pale skin aside from the pointlessly bare shoulders and the thigh-high slit on the right side. He wasn’t sure where he had seen that particular article of clothing before, but it certainly seemed familiar. The important part was that it looked much better than that gaudy robe-thing, at least in his opinion. And given how he was Maggie’s bonded guide, his was the only opinion that she cared about.
The two of them set out into mega-city Dave-156 for the first time since Joe brought Maggie to his apartment. It was impossible to tell whether the sun was out since the hyper-scrapers were far too tall and the space between them was filled with countless holographic billboards. It was common for citizens to spend their entire lives without knowing what the kiss of actual sunlight felt like. Very few of them particularly cared. Joe certainly didn’t, and Maggie disliked excessively bright lights, so their attention was solely focused on their imminent dining experience.
The first hurdle was that Joe wasn’t exactly sure where to find any restaurants or eateries. He only knew about that one pub that he sometimes visited with his mates, but he figured that was perhaps inappropriate. Thankfully he was used to scanning the ocean of advertisements around him and readily located one for a place called Bolt’s Burgers. It wasn’t so much an establishment as it was a fully automated self-propelled grill, but food was food, and Maggie wanted it. A hamburger was thus purchased and readily devoured.
Their next few stops were a cupcake vendor, a roasted nut stand, and a fresh fruit stall. The last two were quite expensive since they boasted they were organic, as opposed to synthetically grown. Them being pricey was fine, though. Joe had a feeling Maggie would want to try a large variety of stuff like always, which was why he had asked for two hundred poundingtons. Considering his usual monthly allowance after paying fees and taxes was only fifty, he figured this amount would be sufficient to satisfy that girl’s curiosity for a while.
The magically acquired funds ran out when Joe paid for Maggie’s starberry ice cream, which was the twenty-seventh purchase of the day. They had walked quite a bit and his legs were getting tired, so he elected to sit at a random bench at the edge of the street. He definitely felt something go squish under his butt as he did so, but he wasn’t bothered since the pod would take care of it when he got back. As for Maggie, she was content to stand next to him and savor her frozen treat with tiny licks.
“So, how are you liking this dimension’s food?”
“I once again find myself in awe at the creativity of humanity. I do not believe myself capable of inventing so many pointless distractions.”
“Aw, don’t say that. I’m sure you can be plenty creative if you want to be.”
“Your confidence is endearing, but misguided. I have done nothing but observe, imitate, and manipulate since my arrival. The act of creation requires imagination, which is among the most underdeveloped methods at my disposal.”
“Oh. That’s… kinda sad. Well, who knows? Maybe you’ll pick up a thing or two if you stick around us humans long enough.”
“That is my hope as well.”
“Mhm… Wait, what were we talking about, again?” he looked up at Maggie quizzically.
“This dimension’s food.”
“Right, right. Have you decided on a favorite food group yet?”
“Yes. Sweets. Starberry derivatives in particular.”
“Any particular reason why?”
“Sugar carries an agreeable flavor, and is high in caloric content. Additionally starberries have the word ‘star’ in their name.”
“How… how does that matter?” he shook his head in utter ignorance.
“It’s fun to pretend they taste like stars.”
“Pft. Hm.”
Joe reflexively stifled a laugh at that unexpectedly cute answer, though on second thought Maggie wasn’t the type to get upset over something so minor.
“Any other taste sensations to your liking?”
“Yes. Meat. Organic meat, specifically.”
“And why is that?”
“I can sense trace amounts of lingering psychic energy from the formerly living organism. Suffering, mostly.”
“Ah… And, uh, how’s that taste?”
“… A little spicy.”
